It's been a while...

....and now I'm back!

I can't really let a blog like this go empty, so it's time to get writing again.

So, thought of the day:-

What's happened to the 5-series?

I remember the time when Chris Bangles design was launched. It looked so right to me. It didn't have the overspilling lardy boot lid of the 7 series, and as long as you ordered it in a metallic colour with some option alloys it looked FAB.

Ever since the recent update it looks slabby, oddly proportioned and well, wrong.

Did it really age overnight?

Come to think of it, why do I find myself liking the look of the geriatric Saab 9-3?

Have I aged overnight?

Hmmmm

Does your car alarm work?

This is a vexing question for many people. Those of us who aren't into voltmeters and such technical jigery pokery have had a problem to date, however, community spirit isn't dead in Acton.

No!

There's a nice chap around these parts who tests all the car alarms in the street. This is obviously a big job and not to be taken lightly, so our friend has invented a way of testing as many car alarms as possible, with minimal effort.

Our philanthropic friend has had an inspired flash of genius and installed what can only be described as an Acoustic Shaker in his car. By careful selection of high powered amplifiers, bass boxes and removing any high or mid-range speaker elements of his speaker system our friend has built the ultimate mobile car alarm tester.

By driving along at a walking pace with the roof down (nach!) our friend is able to adjust the sonic output of his Acoustic Shaker by adjustment of volume and Jungle track on the CD player to hit the appropriate frequencies guaranteed to set off car alarms. Our friend enjoys his work so much that he often drives round the block several times just to check that he got all the cars going - how conscientious is that?

Unplanned beneficial side effects include rattling thimble collections from their nasty little pigeon hole shelves & onto the floor, scaring cats and making babies cry.

What a guy!

Why does the BMW Mini Cooper S have a first gear as tall as a church steeple?

I can do 40 mph in first. This is very useful. You can hold your mobile phone to your ear as you drive around town without the need to co-ordinate the phone, steering wheel and gear lever at the same time. A true advancement in safety.

I guess this feature makes it the ideal town car.... shame it's supposed to be a hot hatch.

That probably explains why the traction control comes in so early. Not the slightest sniff of tyre slip allowed. Probably to prevent all that nasty torque steer which could wrench the wheel from your single handed grasp.

Those cunning German engineers think of everything!

Trackdays!

Thinking of playing at Schumacher, but the security guards at the local industrial estate keep calling the cops?

Wan't to thrap the shite out of your mum's car?

Want to look at other peoples fast cars & talk oily bits?

Want to have fun & learn to drive fast in safety?

You need to check out BookaTrack.com - The Leading Internet Based Trackday Company

Do the monkeys at Longleat have a second-hand car part business?

I expect the little buggers tear off bits of trim to order. Why would one particular specimin spend 5 minutes diligently picking away at the washer nozzle of my car the other week? As soon as the part was freed from the bonnet the little bugger ran off - probably to stuff it in a jiffy bag and send it out by overnight courrier.

I'm sure I saw a complete set of Snap-On tools hidden behind a bush....

Motoring rants begin here....